This week I had the realization that I don't have friends. And that, since college, I've actually lost my ability to make friends. I am often in a holding pattern throughout my day, always trying to get through something before moving on to the next. I don't have time to sit and savor the moments I am given with the people I am gifted.
Instead, I'm always running errands, always trying to get home with the girls, get work done, etc. I have a hard time delaying my schedule, even when there's nothing pressing. Part of that is the twins. That probably comes off as a complaint, but I think it's true. They're at a wonderfully tricky age, where they are growing more independent, but still so very needy. And I probably feed it to that. Randy seems no where near so concerned with making sure they have their nuks, blankies, drinks, snacks, distractions, diapers, etc.
So, I think there's a part of me that wraps myself up in my daughters and seeing to their needs so as not to notice, or not appear needy for friends. But, as I move on to this aspect of my life, during my intrspection process I see that I do not make friends a priority.
So, how do I stop? How do I make myself vunerable to other women with whom I have things in common? I also use the fact that I'm living with my in-laws as a crutch. I have grand dreams that things will change once we move out on our own, but will it really? I never had large numbers of friends.
Do I not listen enough? I have trouble with names. Is this because I can't be bothered with their names? Does that simply reinforce my theory that I'm "too busy" for friends? I hope not, as those thoughts make me very sad.
So, with weight slowly getting under control, person hygiene back in importance, enrolling in a certificate program to test my mind - now I need to focus on being a better friend so that I may get some in return.
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