Freedom...

I want a day off. I mean a day without babies, without a husband, without dogs, without work. Just a day to be completely selfish.

That's not even entirely true. Because after about four hours I'd miss everything. But I would like a few hours off from everything. And I'm not talking about putting the girls in daycare, because then I worry about the money we'd be spending when I could be watching the girls.

I knew freedom was one of the things I was giving up by becoming a mother and I love being a mom, but there's a part of me that still longs for it. And I'm still adjusting to not having the ability to leave somewhere on a whim, or take schedule changes easily, or be able to get a haircut on my day off without scheduling help...

It's a grey day outside, complete with late winter rain and that's not helping. I just feel like life is about day-to-day survival right now. I can't spend gobs of time on any one thing right now and it's killing me. My focus still hasn't returned to it's pre-pregnancy levels, so I'm easily distracted and attempting to multi-tasking too much.

And things keep sneaking up on me. Like the waterpark trip tomorrow. There is nothing I would like to do less tomorrow than go to a waterpark with seven kids. I don't know. I just want to stay home, curl up on the couch and cuddle with my girls. But even then I don't always, because I feel like I'm wasting time, so I set up the computer and work on it and get annoyed when my daughters interrupt me.

I am out of control. I can feel it. It's there, along the edges, poking in occasionally to pick at my patience and self-worth. I know it's just stress, but seriously, Randy and I have only had two nights in the past 20 where we have both been home before 8 p.m. That doesn't do much for a marriage or for a family with new babies. But work is so busy right now and Randy took a second job so we can afford things and maybe start saving money; and it means we don't see each other much. I knew it would be difficult, but the reality just really hurts some times. I'm not able to be there completely for my daughters because things at work are about to get really hard.

I finally got over the daycare issue, mostly because we found someone wonderful to watch the girls, so that stress headache is cured. But, my co-worker is leaving through mutual decision from her and our priest. And I know there's going to be a lot of parishoners who level comments like "it's about time" to me. I get frustrated by these opinions because whatever I personally feel about the issue - she was/is my closest friend and co-worker here. I think she's a great person and YES we have a completely different way of approaching things but that doesn't make my way better...she has 25 years experience. I have five. It's just going to get ugly and I'll probably be asked to take on new tasks while the new hire gets settled in and I am not in a good place to do that but I'm also nervous about saying 'no' at this point.

Gah.

And I'm tired of being sick. That doesn't help things either.

I'm whining a lot. Good thing I didn't give it up this year for Lent like I did last year. THis year it's dessert and facebook.

I need a nap.