Freedom...

I want a day off. I mean a day without babies, without a husband, without dogs, without work. Just a day to be completely selfish.

That's not even entirely true. Because after about four hours I'd miss everything. But I would like a few hours off from everything. And I'm not talking about putting the girls in daycare, because then I worry about the money we'd be spending when I could be watching the girls.

I knew freedom was one of the things I was giving up by becoming a mother and I love being a mom, but there's a part of me that still longs for it. And I'm still adjusting to not having the ability to leave somewhere on a whim, or take schedule changes easily, or be able to get a haircut on my day off without scheduling help...

It's a grey day outside, complete with late winter rain and that's not helping. I just feel like life is about day-to-day survival right now. I can't spend gobs of time on any one thing right now and it's killing me. My focus still hasn't returned to it's pre-pregnancy levels, so I'm easily distracted and attempting to multi-tasking too much.

And things keep sneaking up on me. Like the waterpark trip tomorrow. There is nothing I would like to do less tomorrow than go to a waterpark with seven kids. I don't know. I just want to stay home, curl up on the couch and cuddle with my girls. But even then I don't always, because I feel like I'm wasting time, so I set up the computer and work on it and get annoyed when my daughters interrupt me.

I am out of control. I can feel it. It's there, along the edges, poking in occasionally to pick at my patience and self-worth. I know it's just stress, but seriously, Randy and I have only had two nights in the past 20 where we have both been home before 8 p.m. That doesn't do much for a marriage or for a family with new babies. But work is so busy right now and Randy took a second job so we can afford things and maybe start saving money; and it means we don't see each other much. I knew it would be difficult, but the reality just really hurts some times. I'm not able to be there completely for my daughters because things at work are about to get really hard.

I finally got over the daycare issue, mostly because we found someone wonderful to watch the girls, so that stress headache is cured. But, my co-worker is leaving through mutual decision from her and our priest. And I know there's going to be a lot of parishoners who level comments like "it's about time" to me. I get frustrated by these opinions because whatever I personally feel about the issue - she was/is my closest friend and co-worker here. I think she's a great person and YES we have a completely different way of approaching things but that doesn't make my way better...she has 25 years experience. I have five. It's just going to get ugly and I'll probably be asked to take on new tasks while the new hire gets settled in and I am not in a good place to do that but I'm also nervous about saying 'no' at this point.

Gah.

And I'm tired of being sick. That doesn't help things either.

I'm whining a lot. Good thing I didn't give it up this year for Lent like I did last year. THis year it's dessert and facebook.

I need a nap.

Mae

Mae is my go-get-'em baby. In the womb she was my soccer star who woke up with me in the middle of the night when I had to pee every two hours. She was the one who had a potential problem with fluid around her brain during our seven month ultrasound (later turned out to be nothing) and she is my baby that nurses.

She was also the second born, but she came out screaming. She was born at 11:41 a.m. and when they shoved her head over the curtain so I could see her her eyes were open, she was screaming and she was purple and still covered in white slimy stuff. For the three seconds they held her there before whisking her away our eyes met...and three drops of the slimy stuff fell onto my cheek. I still remember exactly where the drops fell because it was the first 'contact' I had with my babies.

Then her cry joined her sister's and it continued to be the most beautiful thing in the entire world. I was still crying, completely overwhelmed that I had been gifted these two tiny babies.

She is my strong baby, who has held her head up since the first minutes of birth and now she sits in her little baby chair and looks beautiful and smiles all day, at everything and nothing. She will not sleep at night for more than a half hour if not swaddled and she is the cutest little pea pod when she is swaddled.

She hates baths and has discovered her hands. She accidentally rolled herself over last week while on the couch and scared the crap out of herself in the process. Her head is huge...seriously, it's 2 cm bigger around than her sister's. She keeps her legs outstretched most of the time and wihle she's eating she always keeps her right arm sticking out and often has just her right index finger extended.

Her hair is strawberry blond and she is already reacting when her sister cries. They are both so different from one another and I love them in so many different ways.

Eve

Eve is my quiet little baby. My don't-mind-me-I'll-just-chill-while-Mae-freaks-out baby. She has a big round belly and her legs are slightly shorter than her sister. Her face and head are both perfectly round, which is why we call her Moon-pie.

She was my breech baby, sitting down at the bottom of things with her little feet tucked under her. It means when she was brand new her feet tucked in flat on her bottom. As she's unfurled a little they don't fit quite as well, but when she's first waking up from a long nap she still keeps them all curled in. It's adorable.

She's also slightly smaller than her sister in weight, but she's trying her best to catch up, eating more than Mae at every meal currently. She is a very concentrated eater and gives the cutest upset squeal if I have to remove the bottle from her mouth while she's eating. (btw - the only reason I remove the bottle from a feeding baby is usually because I'm feeding her sister at the same time and sometimes that gets tricky...but I will admit sometimes I do take the bottle away from her just to hear her squeal. It's that cute of a sound).

She has also never breastfed, which, for the first three weeks of her life made me feel like a failure. In the hospital we tried every three hours. She'd try so hard and get a weak latch, but then, because my milk took a week to let down, would get frustrated and give up. So, after two weeks of trying every meal and a third week of trying almost every meal I gave up. My aspirations of being a true super mom fell short. Then I remembered that I had successfully carried twins to week 38 with no problems or issues and I told myself to get over my disappointment. I already was supermom.

Now, my little moon-pie does all kinds of grunts and squeals. She's still reticent with her smiles. but we're working on that. She's also getting much better at holding up her head.

This evening, as we're all sitting on the couch getting sick, Eve was sitting in my lap staring around the room with soulful eyes. The way I have it figured Eve will be my quiet bookish girl, scheming quietly and goading her sister into breaking rules, like plotting how to steal cookies from the kitchen.

So, they'll be sitting in their room one night about 7:00 p.m., not yet bedtime (bedtime will be 7:30 p.m.) and they'll want an extra cookie. Mae will want to just go in and ask for it, but Eve will point out that Mom's pretty strict so that won't work. So Mae will part to pout and throw herself back on the bed while Eve sits cross legged on hers, hands clasped together.

"I know what to do." said Eve.

"What?" Mae said to the ceiling.

"About getting more cookies." Mae sat up and looked across the room to her sister. Eve's eyes were bright as she smiled at her sister. "Mom and Dad are playing Trivial Pursuit tonight. That means they won't pay attention. So, sneak out to the kitchen, grab the cookies and then come back here."

"What about the dogs?"

"Sherlock won't care and as long as you give Bailey a little piece she won't make a noise either." said Eve.

"I dunno."

Eve leaned forward, "Come on, Mae. I convinced Mom to let us have an extra soda three days ago. It's your turn."

Mae stood up, dragging her feet. "Ooookay." she reluctantly agreed. "But you have to stand watch in the hallway."

"For what?"

"If Mom or Dad get up to go to the kitchen make a sound."

"Like what?" said Eve, straining not to roll her eyes.

"I don't know, a cat sound or something. Are you ready?" Mae slowly opened the door and peered out in the hallway. She looked back at her sister. Eve stood up and came to stand beside her sister. She nodded and pushed Mae into the hallway.

Mae slowly tiptoed the length of the hallway before taking a left into the kitchen. Eve could hear her mother and father laughing in the living room, obviously still playing the game. She could barely hear Mae greet Sherlock as he came out of his kennel to jump up on her.

Mae carefully out the stool from the wall over to the counter where the plate of cookies sat on the counter. She paused to listen to her parents before deciding it was still safe. She climbed the stool and grabbed two cookies. She placed them in the front pocket of her dress and stepped back down. Unfortunately she lost her balance and fell to the floor.

"Bailey, get off. Bailey, stop." she commanded, but the airedale continued to snuff at her pocket. After a few seconds the old dog claimed victory, appearing in Mae's line of sight with a cookie rapidly diappearing into Bailey's mouth as she swallowed the cookie in two gulps.

"What's going on in there?" came Dad's voice. Mae dropped her head to the floor.

"Nuts."

Dad flipped the light on. "Mae? What are you doing-" he looked at Bailey who was still sniffing Mae's pockets. "What's going on?"

Mae sighed and sat up. Quietly she heard a "meow" come from the end of the hallway. Stupid Eve.

"Nothing."

Dad looked at her quietly and waited.

"I was getting a cookie for Eve and me to share." Mae confessed. She saw a small smile on her Dad's face that disappeared as Mom showed up behind him.

"What's up?" Mom asked, peering over Dad's shoulder.

"Nothing." said Dad. "Mae, why don't you and your sister get ready for bed? We'll be in shortly to say goodnight."

Mae's eyes got big but she didn't say anything as she stood up and ran to the bedroom. She shut the door tightly. Eve was sitting cross-legged on her bed, a book perched on her left knee. She looked far too innocent.

"You didn't make the signal in time." Mae accused, pointing her finger in Eve's face.

"So? Dad didn't get you in trouble." Eve pointed out.

Mae shook her head and started pulling her pajamas out from underneath her pillow. "I'm never listening to you again." she declared.

Eve smiled quietly and kept her eyes focused on the page in front of her. "We'll see."

------------

Yeah, that's pretty much the way I see my girls working.

Breast Milk v Formula, Swing Dancing and Baby smiles

The girls just finished their first swing dance lesson. Eve was, as with everything, complacent about it. I think she enjoyed some of the flips, judging by the widening of her eyes and the lack of crying. Mae wasn't too sure about it, but she cried when I put her down, so I think we'll try a little Brian Setzer tomorrow, since Benny Goodman met with approval.

It's official, Mae is giving me smiles. The past three mornings when she gradually wakes up from her nap I tell her good morning and smile and she, in one of my favorite moments of the day, greets me with a big smile or five or her own. Eve is more reluctant, but I've gotten a few from her as well. I've always thought everyone should have to listen to baby laughs for a few minutes every day in an effort to achieve world peace, but I think watching babies smile should also be added to the regiment. Everyone would be in such a good mood after listening to the laughter and looking at happy babies that they'd forget why they were fighting. Guns would be laid down, enemies would be hugged and the world would be a better place.

I've been thinking of starting an experiment. This was born out too many early morning feedings for the twins. Mae nurses. Eve never has. We tried every feeding for two full weeks before we gave up. I blame this on the fact that I had a c-section and it took a full week for my milk to 'let down'. I was producing hardly anything, and, with two babies, only the vigorous eater managed to get anything. Oh, I also blame that I had twins. I know lots of incredible women manage to breastfeed twins. I even know a women who breastfed her triplets, but that woman is not me.

Even in the hospital we were supplementing, which, while I still have lingering feelings of failure, has meant that Randy bonded very early on with Eve and he really enjoys being able to take complete care of them until the 3 a.m. feeding. (which, I wish to point out, they've skipped three of the past five nights, opting instead to sleep for six hours together).

As for the experiment - it's too late now, as the samples have been receiving both breast milk and formula for two months so the results wouldn't be reliable, but to feed one twin formula only and the other exclusively breastmilk. But, as I said, it's too late, as they're both getting about 50% breastmilk and formula. But, man is breastfeeding easier. No bottles to clean, no formula to mix, no extra planning when leaving the house. And I do feel an extra special warm fuzzy feeling when Mae is nursing and she looks up at me.

Mae has gotten much better as breastfeeding, too. Right about the time I headed back to work she became excellent at it. Of course. Well, as both of the girls are currently crying and we need to run errands I think I ought end this post here for now.

I think I'll write on history of pink and blue tomorrow. Unless I decided to get some sleep.

Right.

Dads are great...

My father is coming to watch the girls today and tomorrow morning for Randy and me. I decided Audrey just wasn't working. It was a hard phone call to make, since I was essentially firing her. but I've fired people from real jobs before (not fun), so telling a babysitter it wasn't working was not as hard as I had originally thought, especially since originally it was supposed to be in our home starting at 2 pm and had morphed into at her home a hour away and not until 4:30 p.m.

So, Dad to the rescue! I called up yesterday and he was super excited. And it's so nice to know that not only is someone I trust watching the girls while we work, but Grandpa gets to spend time with his girls. Now we just have to get serious about finding care for the girls Tuesday and Wednesday. It's just tough because Wednesday include the night, but we'll make it work. Either that or the girls just start spending Wednesday nights with me at church. Not the worst thing, but I'd be able to better give myself to the kids if the babies weren't there.

This morning both of the girls greeted me with good morning smiles. How fantastic! I'm used to seeing Mae's little grins, but Eve is more reluctant with hers but they are both so beautiful. And that's why we do it, isn't it? That's why we put up with 3-4 hours sleep/night, poopy diapers that spill out the sides, incessant crying for 2-3 hours...for moments like that when that smiles breaks across their face just because you showed up in their limited field of vision.

Right now Mae is kinda sleeping at my side, thinking about waking up again and being hungry while Eve is getting fussy in the playpen. Last night they went six hours without eating and slept for five hours straight. This is encouraging because they're doing it about every other night right now. I know it's early for them to begin sleeping through the night, but every little thing helps right now.

Mae has gotten very good at breastfeeding over the past two weeks, which is really nice. However, it comes at Eve's expense, since I tend to go the easy route and just nurse Mae and not pump a lot for little Eve, who has still never latched on. Not that it seems to affect her too much, since she's obviously growing, but I wish they both would nurse, as it is easier. Ah well.

Yesterday I got proof that the babies have fully been accepted by the dogs into our pack. I bathed the girls one at a time and while I was putting lotion on their super cute little naked butts Bailey (our big dog) was on the couch next to me...have I mentioned that I'm probably a horribly neglectful mother because I change, dress, massage, etc. my babies on the couch rather than getting a special changing table for them...Bailey leaned over, smelled the babies and started rubbing herself against them. She did the same thing to me when I first came home from the hospital, on order to get her scent on us because we no longer smelled like the pack. It meant a lot to me, since yes, the dogs had been good since the babies got home, but this was proof that they've been accepted. Yeah!

The house needs some work before my father shows up. Not that he will think poorly of me if the house isn't clean, but I want to make sure everything is easily accessible and out in the open...especially food...when he gets here. And I need to shower, since it's been two days since I last did that. tehehe.

And, as a closing thought, a quote from 'Grease':

...the only guy a girl can trust is her daddy...

Working from home...

and I really have done work so far, I'm just taking a slight break. I've got Mozart blasting because Mabel needs to nap but refuses to give in. She was sleeping very solidly. Now she's sitting next to me on the couch while I type. She really is adorable. They both are.

Today I need to spend some time tracking down a day care provider since we're already half-way through the month and I haven't yet found anything to replace my new needs.

It's also bath day as the girls still smell holy. Not that I mind the smell, but it needs to come off or people will think I don't care of my girls.

Ok, back to work now for real. Enough of this lolly gagging around.

so this week the entertainment news has been about Christian Bale and his rant against the DoP. I have to admit when I first heard the recording of his rant I stated laughing. He sounded like a overreacting teenage boy. The cussing was so overdone it was hysterical. I still giggle when I think about it.

I will admit I have a soft spot for Christian, since I saw him in Newsies when I was 12 (the year the movie came out). Though, admittedly I had more of a crush on David Moscow than him. But, my pre-teen obsession did leave me with a willingness to enjoy all things Christian Bale.

Of course, when I saw American Physco a few years ago I was freaked out. I hadn't watched it from the absolute beginning, so I missed some of the set-up. But, I couldn't listen to Huey Lewis and the News or Phil Collins for almost a year. That may not sound like a horrible thing, but my parents always had their albums, so I grew up with them. Every time they came of the radio I had to change it.

And then Batman refueled the tanks and I was able to forgive him for the nightmares.

But this just makes me giggle. I did listen to his apology as well. I think we ALL obsess too much over celebrities.

No scratchy throat today so far, but I just woke up. Mae is sitting next to me in the boppy, occassionally sending a coo my way and Eve is sleeping next to my other side, her hand grasping my nightgown.

Big visiting night tonight-all kinds of relatives! Here we go...


Oh - do we have to provide the baptism candle or does the church? I need to find this out immediately.

Sick?

I think I'm getting sick. My throat has been scratchy all day. I also had a migraine yesterday, but that was due to stress and presumably not a symptom of colds. I probably picked it up this weekend at the rally. So many germy kids. It probably also means the girls are due to get sick. Wonderful.

While I'd been doing ok with the twins, I'm not sure how I'll handle the first sickness.

I suppose I ought not get ahead of myself and wait to see if there actually is a cold. I need a cap, too. Ok. Nap time until the in-laws get here.

Let's go weekend!

priveleges...I lost them.

Well, I lost my work-at-home priveleges because someone complained. One person, mind you. One cold, heartless person who obviously has never had newborn twins and known how easy and completely manageable it is to have my job and work from home.

I will say I was proud of myself for looking my boss straight in the eye and asking why the sudden change and whether he had any concerns about my employment. He did not, but he has to be fair. No he doesn't! I know that sounds selfish and as though I'm a brat, and maybe I am, b ut fairness does not need to be achieved in the workplace.

But it has been acceoted and Randy and I are work on alternatives, including one where I stay home full-time with the babies. And Randy's all for it...I'm not sure I am. I mean, I'm not saying I want to dump them in daycare for the week, but I'm not entirely sure I want to be a full-time stay-at-home mom. That was never my plan.

In theory it would allow me time to finally start writing my novels, as I've been planning for years, but that's no guarantee I'll ever make money on them. Ah. This is too much thinking for 5:30 in the morning. I need snuggle a baby and fall asleep and deal with this late morning.

Back to work...

I started back to work this past Friday. The weekend was fabulous - taking 25 kids to a catholic youth rally in the Dells. Great fun and only two of the kids decided they were too cool to open their minds and have a new experience.

The twins accompanied us; my parents came up and took care of them. Grandma hardly let Randy and I hold them. And, as always, she cried as she was saying goodbye to them. It's a good thing I had already hopped on the bus and scooted off by that time, because otherwise I would've started crying as well.

Monday was tough, though I found so long as I didn't look at photos of the girls I could get through the day ok. Tuesday I worked from home and the girls cooperated by taking a four hour name. We'll see how today goes. I have to take them with me for a few hours before dropping them off at the babysitters.

So tired.